capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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