Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
