Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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