Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
