when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You smell like a Billy Joel song
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
