Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
nutella sex= disaster
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
