Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
