Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
