i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
