shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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