I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
