Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
People in love make me want to vomit
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
