I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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