Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
