Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
