Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
