We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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