Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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