One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We smell like vodka and hangover
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
