i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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