she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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