1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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