I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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