Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
