I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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