I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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