I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize