I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
