i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
