In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
