i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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