I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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