I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
