He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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