woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This is the high leading the old right now
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
