so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
