My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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