The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
