Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just gargled with NyQuil
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
