Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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