just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize