The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
