do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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