"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
