party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
