I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
