Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
