this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
