You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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