true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
MIDGETS
????
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
