I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
did i just pee glitter
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize