I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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