I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
