you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
