I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
