from now on my penis is your penis
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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