I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
