a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
