If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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