I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
