Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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