do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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