I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
